Where’s my map?

I need a map.  We are at a crossroads of sort and I could really use a guide.  Something to show me which way to go and where I will end up if I take that path.  Hah.  Wouldn’t that be nice?  Anyhoo, if anyone has one of these crystal balls and you are done using it on yourself please send my way.  Oh, hi by the way.  It’s been a while since I’ve posted.  I’ve been reading but not writing.  I’ve been isolating myself and that’s not really great so get ready for a giant brain dump.

Where we’ve been… 2014 was not our year.  We ended 2013 hopeful that “graduating” to IVF would make all the difference in our quest for parenthood but alas, to no avail.  It seems we’ve encountered many of the possible scenarios except the one we wanted.  IVF#1 (2 transferred, 2 frozen) BFP ending in ectopic pregnancy with required surgery and methotrexate plus 19 weeks of weekly blood tests monitoring the epic slowness of my hcg getting back to normal.  2 month break and decision to proceed with IVF#2.  IVF#2 (2 transferred, 3 frozen) BFP ending in a chemical pregnancy.  A couple week break and then we began the protocol for FET#1 where we ultimately transferred 3 embryos – BFN.  So here we are 2 frozen embryos left.  We will likely transfer those sometime in early 2015.  Not sure when yet, I feel like i need a break.  This need for a break however is interrupted at regular intervals for a need to want to move forward.  I am tired of this spot.  It is uncomfortable, wrought with unease and filled with so many questions, so many uncertainties.  I’m no fool and I know that life is full of uncertainties but considering life with children and a life without children paints such a different landscape that my brain almost ceases to function.

Where we’re going… 2015.  We will probably do FET#2 with my existing doctor.  I say probably because the thought of starting another cycle in a couple of weeks makes my stomach churn.  The sort of relief I felt when I received the call about the negative pregnancy test was kind of a sick joke.  No uncertainty, no more shots, no more wondering, it was done.  I hadn’t realized how wary I was feeling during that cycle.  So anyway I do need a break but for how long?  My career is important to me and does play a role in timing, etc.  and there are months we just can’t cycle so sooner would be better than later blah blah blah.

So what if FET#2 fails?  Well, my doctor feels that I am basically out of options with him unless I wanted to do donor eggs.  He doesn’t have a state of the art lab, is the only RE in town, etc. so he can only do so much in terms of protocol, etc.  We are simply not interested in donor eggs.  My husband feels like, and I don’t disagree, that our children will either be 100% biologically ours or they will be 0% biologically ours.  I am not attached to being pregnant so we would likely choose adoption in lieu of donor eggs.  Based on our feelings my doctor suggested that maybe we look into the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM) in Denver.  My girl S at My Lady Bits found success there so it makes it an attractive option because I would have a personal consultant!  🙂  The other option, of course, is to abandon biology and move forward with adoption.

Let’s recap because I need to… Here are my options:

1. FET with my current doctor.  Pros:  I really like my doctor, it’s relatively inexpensive, it’s convenient.  Cons:  we seem to be at an impasse.  Maybe I have crappy embryos, maybe there is something else I should try before potentially “wasting those frozen”.

2. Consult with CCRM and see if that’s a fit for us.  Pros: it’s something new, I have a friend who can demystify the process which is wonderful, it’s a significantly larger clinic with a great reputation and high levels of success.  Cons:  It’s expensive and then I have to add travel costs (I live in Oregon, not Colorado) on top of it and it may land us exactly where we are today.

3. Adoption.  The pros and cons of adoption are far too lengthy to list.  The big pro is that a child is nearly guaranteed and the big Con is the cost.  From an emotional standpoint I struggle with the lack of biology.  I love how my niece walks like my sister and how my nephew reminds my mother-in-law of my husband.  I want that.  Our biological kid would be awesome.  It’s the nature/nurture thing and I haven’t really explored my true feelings about that and obviously need to.  Then there’s the sheer unknowns related to the process… international/domestic, age, race, special needs, etc.

So for me, these are listed in the order of convenience.  We all know that often times what is the most convenient isn’t always the best so here I am.  Maybe I should consult with CCRM and see if they think I should do an FET here.  I just really don’t know.  Options 2 and 3 significantly increase the financial investment but it’s just money, right?  I’ll just make some more… I don’t know.  I like to have a plan and I am very good at making plans.  This plan isn’t coming together very easily for me.

The other strange thing is how many times adoption has come up in the last several weeks.  It’s literally been all around us.  Maybe I am just more sensitive to it or maybe it’s something else.  I guess I just feel like my gut isn’t talking or perhaps I’m not listening.  That must mean I need another glass of wine…

I hope this wasn’t too much of a stream of consciousness and you guys can follow.  It’s too long for me to even want to proof read… but please weigh in (if you made it to the end and I do not begrudge you if you didn’t), I am all ears!

I hope you all had a nice Christmas.  This is a tough time of year, be nice to yourself.  🙂  XOXO!!

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Somewhere Tonight There Is a Woman…

Waiting for Baby Bird

Circle TreeSomewhere tonight there is a woman, sitting next to the twinkling lights of her Christmas tree and staring at the fireplace mantle.  Year after year, her heart tells her head, “Here’s another Christmas with no children’s stockings to hang or cookies to bake for Santa.” I can see the tears fall down her sweet face as she makes the vow that this time next year, things will be different; they will be better.  Yet even as she says those words, she knows deep down in her heart it’s not guaranteed.  How could it be when she said those same words last year–and the year before–and the year before that.  Her hope is fading and her faith is shrinking this holiday season as she wonders if her prayers are being heard and her tears being caught.  Yet even so, she continues to beg and plead to God.  She continues to cry…

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Infertile Men Website Launch!!!

Such a great concept. I hope it thrives!

A Few Pieces Missing From Normalcy - An Infertile Man's Perspective

If you look at the infertility community it is mainly made up of women with few men that are outspoken about it.  Sometimes it makes me feel weird that almost all of my connections in the infertility community have been women.  It’s like I am that creepy guy who has a bunch of women friends.  But most of the time I do feel comfortable interacting with them.  As much as I love them all, I wish there was a Male Fraternity that was just like the Female Sorority in the infertility community.

Though the men I’ve connected with are small, they are all quality guys making up for the lack of quantity.   One of them is Richard from RemagineIt.  A few months back Richard contacted me regarding putting together a website dedicated to male infertility run by guys for guys.  The motivation behind it is that there really isn’t…

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HCG dropped

My HCG dropped down to 8 last week and things are resolving naturally.  I thought that by “resolving naturally” that meant that I would have a regular period but no.  That was ridiculous to think.  I guess I was in denial that I was actually pregnant to begin with.  So, that sucked.  The silver lining, it’s actually not silver anymore it’s more of a dull grey, is that my levels are going down quickly versus a 6 month saga.  We will move forward with FET at a later date.  Likely early December.

An update and an explanation

The quick update: Well IVF #2 is ending… sort of. We retrieved 8 eggs a few weeks ago, transferred 2 and froze 3. We have a total of 5 snow babies (which is great!). However, my levels have been struggling. They started off really low at 22 and had good doubling to 53 then to 101 but yesterday they were down to 90. Either my body is going to miscarry or I am having another ectopic pregnancy. If my levels go up tomorrow, it’s very likely that the pregnancy is progressing just not in my uterus. The low, low first beta at 11dp3dt makes the doctor very concerned about how long the embryo(s) took to implant. So here we are… again.

An explanation: I haven’t been blogging. This cycle has been very much a secret. Only 2 people outside of my husband and I knew about it. A co-worker and a fellow blogger turned real friend (like how Pinocchio turned into a real boy)… oh and my therapist. I didn’t want anyone to know. It felt like too much pressure to blog during it all and keep all of our families updated. The unspoken expectations from family members that I just didn’t want to let them down again. I know they don’t feel that way but I feel like they feel that way and my perception is my reality. Not talking about it as much allowed me to sort of distance myself from it all which isn’t really that great. I felt isolated but the isolation seemed better than the drama of letting people know and the sadness people felt on our behalf. I don’t like feeling responsible for other people’s heartache. I missed the support from this community though. From the people that really know what this is like. There is a lack of pity eyes when support comes from people in the form of a blog comment and who know what you are going through. I hate the pity eyes.

Failing at this, our second IVF, I feel like a failure again. I feel like my life is so off the rails from where I believed it would be. I want to retreat and I am shutting down in a big way. I feel like I can’t stand my husband. He wants so hard to help but he has the pity eyes now. He just looks at me wondering what I am thinking (and wanting so badly for me to just be happy) and I don’t know what I am thinking. I am thinking we might have 6 months before we can try again should this be unsuccessful because of how long my body takes to go back to normal. I am thinking that maybe I don’t want to do this anymore. I am thinking that my dreams of family are disintegrating before my eyes. I am thinking that I resent everyone with children even if their children suck (and some do). I feel like I have worked hard for nothing. My life feels like a waste of energy. Who cares if you have a good job and make money to have a nice house and nice car, that’s not where the value of life is. I can’t even process all of the emotions. I am stalling out. I don’t know where we’re at. I want major life change. I want to quit my job and move to France or something. I want an escape, I want to start over. This just sucks. It sucks a lot.

If you know me in real life, we don’t need to talk about this (not you, S). I don’t want to talk about this. I know you know and you know that I know that you know. Let’s call that good.

Oh and congratulations to all the wonderful news out there lately!! I have been regularly following. I am sorry for shutting you out.

National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

Infertility, why me?

pregnancy&infantlossawarenessmonthIf you’ve never lost a child, experienced a miscarriage or a still birth you might not know that October is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. More specifically, October 15th is a universal day of remembrance for pregnancy loss and infant death. This day is observed with remembrance ceremonies and candle-lighting vigils….I know I never knew something like this existed until it applied to me.

Did you know that:

  • One in four pregnancies ends in the loss of a baby
  • The loss of a child is recognized as the most intense cause of grief
  • Parents never “get over” the loss of a child – no matter the age
  • Parents experiencing grief without supportive care can have debilitating consequences such as PTSD, depression and anxiety that could further result in job loss, divorce, difficulties in daily living, or impediments with parenting of living children

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