What are we doing?

Hey all.  Been a while.  Not much has changed here.  Monday we head to CCRM for our one day workup.  The schedule for the day looks grueling and expensive but what’s a few thousand dollars here and there?  Thankfully good friends have walked this path before so the schedule was no big surprise.  What is a surprise is the significant amount of dread I feel about it.  I want to expand our family, I want children, I really do but I don’t want to put the “work” that’s required of me in anymore.  It’s exhausting to think about.  We are also talking big money now that we have a long-distance clinic that is more expensive.  Hopefully you get what you pay for?

For me the internal turmoil of biology or not is running rampant.  Do I need a biological child for me to feel like my family is complete?  I just don’t know.  I don’t want to need that.  There is something inherently selfish feeling about wanting to subject myself to torture in order to have a mini-me.  I’m cool and all but am I really THAT cool?  🙂  There’s the cost piece that is weighing heavy.  CCRM is expensive, adoption is expensive.  CCRM has an unknown outcome, adoption has a much higher success rate in ending up with a real live baby at the end.  CCRM could result in multiple children if I have multiple, good quality, genetically normal embryos, adoption results in 1 and then you pay again for another.  I suppose there are 2-for-1 deals out there but less common I am sure.  Having a baby biologically feels like I will know what to do with it.  There’s something in my mental imagery that is showing me that pregnant women are infused with parenting wisdom.  It’s stupid, I know, I know.  My imagery is my imagery as crazy as it may be.  ha.  Adoption, where will I get my pregnancy infusion of all the answers?  ha again but seriously there is a level of unknown with both routes but the unknown in adoption feels so much more unclear.  That’s just the start of my ponderings….

Bottom line:  we want to expand our family but I need the magic 8 ball to tell me which path to take.  Someone should really invent that.  Like a real one with real answers.  I’d invest.

In other random thoughts:  I wanted to do a craft project the other night when my husband was out of town so I scoured my Pinterest for something quick and easy for me to keep my hands out of the Lays and ultimately feel accomplished about.  So at 10:30 Friday night I was stressing about needing to get all these pieces of fabric cut out and I snapped out of my trance and thought “what the fuck are you making?”  Well, ladies, it is a stuffed superhero girl doll.  It’s really cute.  I like it but what the hell am I going to do with it?  I chose a project without regard for the outcome.  It makes me chuckle.  Oh well, now I have an orange haired, 10″ stuffed doll with ice cream cones on her cape… did I just swan dive off the deep end?  LOL!

Hope you are all well.


5 thoughts on “What are we doing?

  1. Ugh, if it helps your decision AT ALL I think pregnancy has actually made me realize quite how dumb I really am about parenting.

    In all seriousness, I know this is a hard one to make and I wish you peace in the deciding.

  2. Id love to talk with you more about CCRM if you would, Weve contacted them and have a phone consult coming up. Sounds like you and I are in a very similar place. I wish you absolute ease and luck with your extensive day!!

    • Hi! I would love to touch base. I have been reading your blog as well and you have been through quite the ringer. I am glad for you that you are moving. I don’t want to say moving forward because in this journey it never quite feels like we actually get to move forward. It’s like a train platform that we’re stuck on. CCRM is just a different platform. 🙂 I hope you don’t mind but I am going to shoot you an email.

  3. I wish that I had a crystal ball where I could tell you exactly what to do and that it would happen quickly. It is just so hard, knowing that there are many paths to growing a family and which one is both right for you and the fastest to getting out of the infertility waiting room from hell. I hope that visiting CCRM gives you some clarity on what is right for you guys and you know that I am always here if you need anything at all, whether it be someone to listen or anything about our experiences there.

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