Hey all. Been a while. Not much has changed here. Monday we head to CCRM for our one day workup. The schedule for the day looks grueling and expensive but what’s a few thousand dollars here and there? Thankfully good friends have walked this path before so the schedule was no big surprise. What is a surprise is the significant amount of dread I feel about it. I want to expand our family, I want children, I really do but I don’t want to put the “work” that’s required of me in anymore. It’s exhausting to think about. We are also talking big money now that we have a long-distance clinic that is more expensive. Hopefully you get what you pay for?
For me the internal turmoil of biology or not is running rampant. Do I need a biological child for me to feel like my family is complete? I just don’t know. I don’t want to need that. There is something inherently selfish feeling about wanting to subject myself to torture in order to have a mini-me. I’m cool and all but am I really THAT cool? 🙂 There’s the cost piece that is weighing heavy. CCRM is expensive, adoption is expensive. CCRM has an unknown outcome, adoption has a much higher success rate in ending up with a real live baby at the end. CCRM could result in multiple children if I have multiple, good quality, genetically normal embryos, adoption results in 1 and then you pay again for another. I suppose there are 2-for-1 deals out there but less common I am sure. Having a baby biologically feels like I will know what to do with it. There’s something in my mental imagery that is showing me that pregnant women are infused with parenting wisdom. It’s stupid, I know, I know. My imagery is my imagery as crazy as it may be. ha. Adoption, where will I get my pregnancy infusion of all the answers? ha again but seriously there is a level of unknown with both routes but the unknown in adoption feels so much more unclear. That’s just the start of my ponderings….
Bottom line: we want to expand our family but I need the magic 8 ball to tell me which path to take. Someone should really invent that. Like a real one with real answers. I’d invest.
In other random thoughts: I wanted to do a craft project the other night when my husband was out of town so I scoured my Pinterest for something quick and easy for me to keep my hands out of the Lays and ultimately feel accomplished about. So at 10:30 Friday night I was stressing about needing to get all these pieces of fabric cut out and I snapped out of my trance and thought “what the fuck are you making?” Well, ladies, it is a stuffed superhero girl doll. It’s really cute. I like it but what the hell am I going to do with it? I chose a project without regard for the outcome. It makes me chuckle. Oh well, now I have an orange haired, 10″ stuffed doll with ice cream cones on her cape… did I just swan dive off the deep end? LOL!
Hope you are all well.