CCRM Recap

We went!  A roller coaster to get there but finally my body cooperated and we went.  We were hosted by the wonderful mama of S at My Lady Bits which made the trip so much less stressful.  She let us use her car and she took us to fabulous restaurants and she’s interesting and fun to boot!  We sure lucked out with such a gracious host.

One Day Workup Test Overview:

  • CCRM orientation (learn about the center, IVF, who to call, etc.)
  • Baseline ultrasound to asses resting follicles (I had 12), blood flow to the uterus (a little restricted on the right side… need electro acupuncture), presence of any anatomic abnormalities (none noted)
  • Hysteroscopy so the doc could put a camera on a catheter, blow my uterus up like a balloon and have a looksee. Saw nothing abnormal.  This also serves as a trial transfer.  Kind of ouchie but not too bad.  The CO2 that doesn’t expel out of the vag has to absorb in the body and it rises to the shoulder and that hurts!  Doesn’t last long but hurts. So weird.
  • Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) to see if tubes are open and uterine cavity is normal. No issues noted by the tech.
  • Blood work (13 vials in all!) to check AMH, APA, Communicable diseases (HIV, Hep B & C, RPR), Chromosome analysis, Cystic Fibrosis, Fragile X, Spinal Musculator Atrophy screen, Blood type (mine is O) and RH antibody (mine is negative which is a pain because my blood might attack a fetus), Rubella and Varicella screen and anti-sperm antibody screen. So much blood work.
  • The hubs had a semen analysis, sperm chromatin structure assay (to see if there are any breaks in genetic material) and the chromosome analysis.

Initial results:  Anatomically things are fine.  I need a little acupuncture for blood flow but that’s it.  As for the blood work, that is yet to be seen.  Currently the only test results we have back are the semen analysis which was A+, as usual, and my TSH which was elevated.  As a result of the elevated TSH I have hypothyroidism and have been prescribed a medication.  The remaining results will come back over the next several weeks.  I still need to have my day 3 blood work done here and shipped over.  That will complete the extent of the testing at this time and then we will regroup with the doctor to hear what he has to say.

Initial reaction:  I didn’t leave CCRM feeling excited.  In fact, I left feeling kind of relieved because I kind of hated it.  The relief was derived from the fact that it’s very expensive.  A fact that I knew before we went but hadn’t really processed.  At this point in time, we will wait for our tests results to come back.  I am glad that we went because we will get some good information and we scratched the itch to check it out.  However, I will need a very compelling reason to go back to Denver.  I know they have a sophisticated lab and a collectively more experienced physician pool but it didn’t feel right.  My gut says no way.  It’s highly likely that even if they offer a very compelling reason to go with them we won’t go through with it.  I will sit down with my doctor and go over the results and see what he says.  If he’s out of options we might explore some clinics closer to home.  If he’s not out of options we might cycle here.  I feel so done with this process.  Either way, I have made space in my brain for the adoption process.  We will concurrently continue to explore biological options but we are no longer holding off on adoption.  There is a level of comfort and clarity in that.  I know a lot of people have been out there saying prayers and sending energy for feelings of peace and comfort in this decision making process and I am humbled to say that it worked.  Thank you for that.

I will post more as results roll in!

Next stop… not Colorado

No CCRM for us this week.  I thought CD 1 would appear and it didn’t.  My body fails me again.  I should be used to this by now.  Back to waiting and continuing to evaluate what we want out of this life.  Maybe long-distance clinics and shooting up with heavy doses of hormones isn’t it.  Things are very unclear right now.  What is clear is that I am simultaneously disappointed that we aren’t going to CCRM and thrilled that I don’t have to put my body though a bunch of tests.

What are we doing?

Hey all.  Been a while.  Not much has changed here.  Monday we head to CCRM for our one day workup.  The schedule for the day looks grueling and expensive but what’s a few thousand dollars here and there?  Thankfully good friends have walked this path before so the schedule was no big surprise.  What is a surprise is the significant amount of dread I feel about it.  I want to expand our family, I want children, I really do but I don’t want to put the “work” that’s required of me in anymore.  It’s exhausting to think about.  We are also talking big money now that we have a long-distance clinic that is more expensive.  Hopefully you get what you pay for?

For me the internal turmoil of biology or not is running rampant.  Do I need a biological child for me to feel like my family is complete?  I just don’t know.  I don’t want to need that.  There is something inherently selfish feeling about wanting to subject myself to torture in order to have a mini-me.  I’m cool and all but am I really THAT cool?  🙂  There’s the cost piece that is weighing heavy.  CCRM is expensive, adoption is expensive.  CCRM has an unknown outcome, adoption has a much higher success rate in ending up with a real live baby at the end.  CCRM could result in multiple children if I have multiple, good quality, genetically normal embryos, adoption results in 1 and then you pay again for another.  I suppose there are 2-for-1 deals out there but less common I am sure.  Having a baby biologically feels like I will know what to do with it.  There’s something in my mental imagery that is showing me that pregnant women are infused with parenting wisdom.  It’s stupid, I know, I know.  My imagery is my imagery as crazy as it may be.  ha.  Adoption, where will I get my pregnancy infusion of all the answers?  ha again but seriously there is a level of unknown with both routes but the unknown in adoption feels so much more unclear.  That’s just the start of my ponderings….

Bottom line:  we want to expand our family but I need the magic 8 ball to tell me which path to take.  Someone should really invent that.  Like a real one with real answers.  I’d invest.

In other random thoughts:  I wanted to do a craft project the other night when my husband was out of town so I scoured my Pinterest for something quick and easy for me to keep my hands out of the Lays and ultimately feel accomplished about.  So at 10:30 Friday night I was stressing about needing to get all these pieces of fabric cut out and I snapped out of my trance and thought “what the fuck are you making?”  Well, ladies, it is a stuffed superhero girl doll.  It’s really cute.  I like it but what the hell am I going to do with it?  I chose a project without regard for the outcome.  It makes me chuckle.  Oh well, now I have an orange haired, 10″ stuffed doll with ice cream cones on her cape… did I just swan dive off the deep end?  LOL!

Hope you are all well.