Where’s my map?

I need a map.  We are at a crossroads of sort and I could really use a guide.  Something to show me which way to go and where I will end up if I take that path.  Hah.  Wouldn’t that be nice?  Anyhoo, if anyone has one of these crystal balls and you are done using it on yourself please send my way.  Oh, hi by the way.  It’s been a while since I’ve posted.  I’ve been reading but not writing.  I’ve been isolating myself and that’s not really great so get ready for a giant brain dump.

Where we’ve been… 2014 was not our year.  We ended 2013 hopeful that “graduating” to IVF would make all the difference in our quest for parenthood but alas, to no avail.  It seems we’ve encountered many of the possible scenarios except the one we wanted.  IVF#1 (2 transferred, 2 frozen) BFP ending in ectopic pregnancy with required surgery and methotrexate plus 19 weeks of weekly blood tests monitoring the epic slowness of my hcg getting back to normal.  2 month break and decision to proceed with IVF#2.  IVF#2 (2 transferred, 3 frozen) BFP ending in a chemical pregnancy.  A couple week break and then we began the protocol for FET#1 where we ultimately transferred 3 embryos – BFN.  So here we are 2 frozen embryos left.  We will likely transfer those sometime in early 2015.  Not sure when yet, I feel like i need a break.  This need for a break however is interrupted at regular intervals for a need to want to move forward.  I am tired of this spot.  It is uncomfortable, wrought with unease and filled with so many questions, so many uncertainties.  I’m no fool and I know that life is full of uncertainties but considering life with children and a life without children paints such a different landscape that my brain almost ceases to function.

Where we’re going… 2015.  We will probably do FET#2 with my existing doctor.  I say probably because the thought of starting another cycle in a couple of weeks makes my stomach churn.  The sort of relief I felt when I received the call about the negative pregnancy test was kind of a sick joke.  No uncertainty, no more shots, no more wondering, it was done.  I hadn’t realized how wary I was feeling during that cycle.  So anyway I do need a break but for how long?  My career is important to me and does play a role in timing, etc.  and there are months we just can’t cycle so sooner would be better than later blah blah blah.

So what if FET#2 fails?  Well, my doctor feels that I am basically out of options with him unless I wanted to do donor eggs.  He doesn’t have a state of the art lab, is the only RE in town, etc. so he can only do so much in terms of protocol, etc.  We are simply not interested in donor eggs.  My husband feels like, and I don’t disagree, that our children will either be 100% biologically ours or they will be 0% biologically ours.  I am not attached to being pregnant so we would likely choose adoption in lieu of donor eggs.  Based on our feelings my doctor suggested that maybe we look into the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM) in Denver.  My girl S at My Lady Bits found success there so it makes it an attractive option because I would have a personal consultant!  🙂  The other option, of course, is to abandon biology and move forward with adoption.

Let’s recap because I need to… Here are my options:

1. FET with my current doctor.  Pros:  I really like my doctor, it’s relatively inexpensive, it’s convenient.  Cons:  we seem to be at an impasse.  Maybe I have crappy embryos, maybe there is something else I should try before potentially “wasting those frozen”.

2. Consult with CCRM and see if that’s a fit for us.  Pros: it’s something new, I have a friend who can demystify the process which is wonderful, it’s a significantly larger clinic with a great reputation and high levels of success.  Cons:  It’s expensive and then I have to add travel costs (I live in Oregon, not Colorado) on top of it and it may land us exactly where we are today.

3. Adoption.  The pros and cons of adoption are far too lengthy to list.  The big pro is that a child is nearly guaranteed and the big Con is the cost.  From an emotional standpoint I struggle with the lack of biology.  I love how my niece walks like my sister and how my nephew reminds my mother-in-law of my husband.  I want that.  Our biological kid would be awesome.  It’s the nature/nurture thing and I haven’t really explored my true feelings about that and obviously need to.  Then there’s the sheer unknowns related to the process… international/domestic, age, race, special needs, etc.

So for me, these are listed in the order of convenience.  We all know that often times what is the most convenient isn’t always the best so here I am.  Maybe I should consult with CCRM and see if they think I should do an FET here.  I just really don’t know.  Options 2 and 3 significantly increase the financial investment but it’s just money, right?  I’ll just make some more… I don’t know.  I like to have a plan and I am very good at making plans.  This plan isn’t coming together very easily for me.

The other strange thing is how many times adoption has come up in the last several weeks.  It’s literally been all around us.  Maybe I am just more sensitive to it or maybe it’s something else.  I guess I just feel like my gut isn’t talking or perhaps I’m not listening.  That must mean I need another glass of wine…

I hope this wasn’t too much of a stream of consciousness and you guys can follow.  It’s too long for me to even want to proof read… but please weigh in (if you made it to the end and I do not begrudge you if you didn’t), I am all ears!

I hope you all had a nice Christmas.  This is a tough time of year, be nice to yourself.  🙂  XOXO!!

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7 thoughts on “Where’s my map?

  1. I just wanted to let you know a few things about CCRM that i wasnt aware of until my husband and I started looking at a different fertility doctor (and im in Colorado). 1) they make you redo all of your previus testing, which amounts to a pretty heafty bill. They also dont have the capability of performing most of the testing in office, so you are referred out for a lot of it. 2) Their higher success rates come from the fact that they are lax on cancelling cycles. Many times a transfer or iui will be done even if your body isnt in the best condition. I have heard numerous people who have overstimulated and doctors still wanted to proceed with the cycle.

    If you are persuing treatment in Colorado, I highly recommend the university of colorado center for advanced reproductive medicine. They are friendly, knowkedgable and put their patients in front of success rates.

    • Great information, thank you. My doctor felt like they cancelled cycles almost too readily so it’s interesting to hear another perspective. “Clinic shopping” is overwhelming. I don’t really know where to start so thank you for the recommendation.

  2. Hey friend, I was elated to see an update from you, but am so sorry for the chemical pregnancy and the BFNs… And also for you being at the crossroad again. This journey is so very tough. I hope that as time goes by your sense of direction will be more and more clear. Sending loving thoughts to you. ❤

  3. Hello –

    I know I am a complete stranger (well, in some sense), but I am going through the exact same process as you. I am an Oregonian travelling to CCRM for my 3rd IVF cycle. I had my previous BFN cycles in Portland and what a waste! I have an upcoming FET in March with some euploid embryos and I cannot say enough great things about that place. If you have any questions feel free to PM me and good luck! This whole process is such a mind fuck and I know exactly how you feel:(

    • Hello my fellow Oregonian! Thanks for your comment! I am looking forward to our consult with CCRM. It’s time for a new set of eyes. Good luck in March, keeping my fingers crossed for you! Once I am inundated with info from CCRM I will probably be in touch!

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