An update and an explanation

The quick update: Well IVF #2 is ending… sort of. We retrieved 8 eggs a few weeks ago, transferred 2 and froze 3. We have a total of 5 snow babies (which is great!). However, my levels have been struggling. They started off really low at 22 and had good doubling to 53 then to 101 but yesterday they were down to 90. Either my body is going to miscarry or I am having another ectopic pregnancy. If my levels go up tomorrow, it’s very likely that the pregnancy is progressing just not in my uterus. The low, low first beta at 11dp3dt makes the doctor very concerned about how long the embryo(s) took to implant. So here we are… again.

An explanation: I haven’t been blogging. This cycle has been very much a secret. Only 2 people outside of my husband and I knew about it. A co-worker and a fellow blogger turned real friend (like how Pinocchio turned into a real boy)… oh and my therapist. I didn’t want anyone to know. It felt like too much pressure to blog during it all and keep all of our families updated. The unspoken expectations from family members that I just didn’t want to let them down again. I know they don’t feel that way but I feel like they feel that way and my perception is my reality. Not talking about it as much allowed me to sort of distance myself from it all which isn’t really that great. I felt isolated but the isolation seemed better than the drama of letting people know and the sadness people felt on our behalf. I don’t like feeling responsible for other people’s heartache. I missed the support from this community though. From the people that really know what this is like. There is a lack of pity eyes when support comes from people in the form of a blog comment and who know what you are going through. I hate the pity eyes.

Failing at this, our second IVF, I feel like a failure again. I feel like my life is so off the rails from where I believed it would be. I want to retreat and I am shutting down in a big way. I feel like I can’t stand my husband. He wants so hard to help but he has the pity eyes now. He just looks at me wondering what I am thinking (and wanting so badly for me to just be happy) and I don’t know what I am thinking. I am thinking we might have 6 months before we can try again should this be unsuccessful because of how long my body takes to go back to normal. I am thinking that maybe I don’t want to do this anymore. I am thinking that my dreams of family are disintegrating before my eyes. I am thinking that I resent everyone with children even if their children suck (and some do). I feel like I have worked hard for nothing. My life feels like a waste of energy. Who cares if you have a good job and make money to have a nice house and nice car, that’s not where the value of life is. I can’t even process all of the emotions. I am stalling out. I don’t know where we’re at. I want major life change. I want to quit my job and move to France or something. I want an escape, I want to start over. This just sucks. It sucks a lot.

If you know me in real life, we don’t need to talk about this (not you, S). I don’t want to talk about this. I know you know and you know that I know that you know. Let’s call that good.

Oh and congratulations to all the wonderful news out there lately!! I have been regularly following. I am sorry for shutting you out.


5 thoughts on “An update and an explanation

  1. I have missed your updates and presence. I’m so sorry that this cycle is again an uncertainty. I hate this for you. I am hoping and praying that it is NOT another ectopic. It does suck a lot. Infertility sucks. Being in limbo sucks. I can see why you want to quit everything and just go somewhere else and start all over again. 😦 Sending you lots of love and strength. ❤ (I am happy that you have some frosties though.)

  2. I have missed your updates too hon, but completely understand your need to distance yourself. I I know how it feels to just want to escape and start over. I simply cannot believe that this is happening to you again and feeling so angry at the universe right now. Sending you a huge hug and just wanted you to know that even if you need to stay away again, that I am thinking about you and always here.

  3. Oh honey, I just fucking hate all of this for you. And I totally understand the desire to just drop everything and go away for a while. Just know that I am here for you regardless of time of day or night, and I’m just a short car ride away if you ever need me in person (we can make up stories about how we know each other again, I think something about your other life in France should be our new cover story). Thinking about you daily and sending my love.

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