A Plan. Well, sort of.

You may not have noticed but I haven’t been posting much.  No blogging and less commenting.  I am working through some anxiety/depression type thing which has impacted my ability to make decisions.  In fact, that is the anxiety.  I am no longer an impulsive, reactive decision-maker.  As a result, I struggle to write because I am second guessing myself.  I have no capacity to be “wrong” or “imperfect” in any more aspects of my life.  This is a portrait of infertility.  This last cycle was one of curve balls and blind sides.  I am an intuitive, perceptive planner.  In my life I have been able to evaluate situations quickly, run through most of the plausible outcomes and decide.  This last cycle made me feel like I can no longer trust my gut.  There were so many instances of “what?!  That’s possible!”  I do research and read blogs and prepare, prepare, prepare and then things just went totally sideways.  This has resulted in distrust of my process.  I about had a nervous breakdown in the card aisle at Target the other day.  I about had another one trying to pick a hotel for our trip to San Diego this weekend.  I really love my therapist because she’s helped me work through this and identify the cause.  Without her, the paralysis would just perpetuate.  It’s stemming from this place of “how can I made a good decision, I might not have all of the information” and a fear of being blindsided.  Anyway, I’ve been struggling.  Not struggling in a sense that I am in the depths of despair and anguish but struggling with this new facet of my personality.  I like being self assured and confident.  I like being reactive and a fast thinker (even when it gets me in trouble… and it does!).  These traits have faded some.  It’s a matter of evaluating consequence and rolling with uncertainty which is very difficult and will take some time to learn.  There’s also an issue of compassion and kindness.  Two things I don’t often show myself.  Anyway, that is a long story about why I haven’t been blogging. 

Now to the plan.  First, we have to get out of this cycle.  My hcg was at 26 last week so it’s still not at zero.  I am still pregnant.  I started shooting up for this cycle on January 6.  This is insane.  However, I couldn’t take the lack of a forward thinking so I scheduled an appointment with my RE.  It was yesterday. The plan is FET in July or September.  I am leaning towards September.  It was a good conversation.  We went through a variety of scenarios which I will post about later.  For now the goal is to get unpregnant, drink a little less, eat a few more veggies and enjoy the summer. 

To kick that off (well the enjoy summer part. Not the drink less, eat more veggies part.  That was a lie anyway…) my husband and I are headed to SoCal for a long weekend.  We are doing a day in Disneyland.  I suspect that will make me not want kids for a little while….lol!  I am really looking forward to getting out of town!

I hope everyone is well.  Thanks for reading…


7 thoughts on “A Plan. Well, sort of.

  1. I have been thinking about you a lot! I’m so glad to see this post! No one could have planned for how things turned out hon and no one should ever have to go through it. If taking a break from the blogging world helped then good! I’m glad you have a plan in the works and that you’re planning a little getaway. FYI, it’s crazy hot here in SoCal right now so pack light! I hope you return refreshed and rejuvenated and fingers crossed those levels final drop down to 0! Big hug!

      • We are, thank God! We’re further north in the South Bay (near LAX). I can’t even smell the smoke from here. It should be at least 10 degrees cooler today and then much cooler tomorrow, so we’ll finally get some relief! It should make your adventures at Disney much more enjoyable 🙂 Enjoy your vacation hon!

  2. I never know how to give you hope in these moments. I mean, hope! Hope! Otto was a hard-fought pregnancy and well worth the time, money, and heartache. So yes, hope. I love you and you will become a mom. But what is hard is that the hit you’re taking to your soul is really hard to recover from. You know me, I’m a wreck. I thankful, grateful, joyous (mostly) wreck so often. And since we are literally soul sisters, I imagine you’re going through a great tearing down and I know how scary it feels and the truth is, you WILL come out of this thing changed. It will be worth it. You’ll still be wonderful. But it’s just hard. I hope you’re being kind to yourself and forgiving of yourself. I’m SO glad you ditched our porch beers in favor of California. Enjoy the heat and sunshine. And then come back here and I’ll make you a bloody mary or something that’s real weak on the booze and heavy on veggies (or a grapefruit beer? maybe?). Adore you. Like you have no idea. You are amazing and this season will pass. xo

  3. Oh honey, infertility is such a mind fuck, isn’t it? I’ve noticed similar things in myself going through this, it has rocked me to my core at times and I am definitely a different person than when I started down this path. I’m glad that you are getting away for a little while, hopefully that will help refresh and recharge you a bit. And I am pissed at your body – I told it to quit this shit with the HCG and be done and over with already. Come on body, it is time – you need to let go so this fabulous lady can have some closure.

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