You may not have noticed but I haven’t been posting much. No blogging and less commenting. I am working through some anxiety/depression type thing which has impacted my ability to make decisions. In fact, that is the anxiety. I am no longer an impulsive, reactive decision-maker. As a result, I struggle to write because I am second guessing myself. I have no capacity to be “wrong” or “imperfect” in any more aspects of my life. This is a portrait of infertility. This last cycle was one of curve balls and blind sides. I am an intuitive, perceptive planner. In my life I have been able to evaluate situations quickly, run through most of the plausible outcomes and decide. This last cycle made me feel like I can no longer trust my gut. There were so many instances of “what?! That’s possible!” I do research and read blogs and prepare, prepare, prepare and then things just went totally sideways. This has resulted in distrust of my process. I about had a nervous breakdown in the card aisle at Target the other day. I about had another one trying to pick a hotel for our trip to San Diego this weekend. I really love my therapist because she’s helped me work through this and identify the cause. Without her, the paralysis would just perpetuate. It’s stemming from this place of “how can I made a good decision, I might not have all of the information” and a fear of being blindsided. Anyway, I’ve been struggling. Not struggling in a sense that I am in the depths of despair and anguish but struggling with this new facet of my personality. I like being self assured and confident. I like being reactive and a fast thinker (even when it gets me in trouble… and it does!). These traits have faded some. It’s a matter of evaluating consequence and rolling with uncertainty which is very difficult and will take some time to learn. There’s also an issue of compassion and kindness. Two things I don’t often show myself. Anyway, that is a long story about why I haven’t been blogging.
Now to the plan. First, we have to get out of this cycle. My hcg was at 26 last week so it’s still not at zero. I am still pregnant. I started shooting up for this cycle on January 6. This is insane. However, I couldn’t take the lack of a forward thinking so I scheduled an appointment with my RE. It was yesterday. The plan is FET in July or September. I am leaning towards September. It was a good conversation. We went through a variety of scenarios which I will post about later. For now the goal is to get unpregnant, drink a little less, eat a few more veggies and enjoy the summer.
To kick that off (well the enjoy summer part. Not the drink less, eat more veggies part. That was a lie anyway…) my husband and I are headed to SoCal for a long weekend. We are doing a day in Disneyland. I suspect that will make me not want kids for a little while….lol! I am really looking forward to getting out of town!
I hope everyone is well. Thanks for reading…