A Plan. Well, sort of.

You may not have noticed but I haven’t been posting much.  No blogging and less commenting.  I am working through some anxiety/depression type thing which has impacted my ability to make decisions.  In fact, that is the anxiety.  I am no longer an impulsive, reactive decision-maker.  As a result, I struggle to write because I am second guessing myself.  I have no capacity to be “wrong” or “imperfect” in any more aspects of my life.  This is a portrait of infertility.  This last cycle was one of curve balls and blind sides.  I am an intuitive, perceptive planner.  In my life I have been able to evaluate situations quickly, run through most of the plausible outcomes and decide.  This last cycle made me feel like I can no longer trust my gut.  There were so many instances of “what?!  That’s possible!”  I do research and read blogs and prepare, prepare, prepare and then things just went totally sideways.  This has resulted in distrust of my process.  I about had a nervous breakdown in the card aisle at Target the other day.  I about had another one trying to pick a hotel for our trip to San Diego this weekend.  I really love my therapist because she’s helped me work through this and identify the cause.  Without her, the paralysis would just perpetuate.  It’s stemming from this place of “how can I made a good decision, I might not have all of the information” and a fear of being blindsided.  Anyway, I’ve been struggling.  Not struggling in a sense that I am in the depths of despair and anguish but struggling with this new facet of my personality.  I like being self assured and confident.  I like being reactive and a fast thinker (even when it gets me in trouble… and it does!).  These traits have faded some.  It’s a matter of evaluating consequence and rolling with uncertainty which is very difficult and will take some time to learn.  There’s also an issue of compassion and kindness.  Two things I don’t often show myself.  Anyway, that is a long story about why I haven’t been blogging. 

Now to the plan.  First, we have to get out of this cycle.  My hcg was at 26 last week so it’s still not at zero.  I am still pregnant.  I started shooting up for this cycle on January 6.  This is insane.  However, I couldn’t take the lack of a forward thinking so I scheduled an appointment with my RE.  It was yesterday. The plan is FET in July or September.  I am leaning towards September.  It was a good conversation.  We went through a variety of scenarios which I will post about later.  For now the goal is to get unpregnant, drink a little less, eat a few more veggies and enjoy the summer. 

To kick that off (well the enjoy summer part. Not the drink less, eat more veggies part.  That was a lie anyway…) my husband and I are headed to SoCal for a long weekend.  We are doing a day in Disneyland.  I suspect that will make me not want kids for a little while….lol!  I am really looking forward to getting out of town!

I hope everyone is well.  Thanks for reading…