Still here… in bullets

I’m still here.  Just not posting.  I’ve been doing a lot of reading and hitting that star button which must mean “like” or “favorite” or something.  For me, the star means “hey I read your post and I hear you and wish you well!”  I don’t seem to be able to muster good comments.  So anyway, here’s the skinny… in long, rambly bullet points.

  • I’m still not unpregnant.  My hcg is at 66 today.  It was at 84 two weeks ago so at this rate, I might get down to that coveted zero in 6 weeks.  I thought I would for sure be at zero two weeks ago.  Not sure why I felt that way but I did and then was surprisingly disappointed when I wasn’t.  Then today.  I thought that this was FOR SURE the day and nope.  Not today.  It’s very frustrating.  I can’t move on, I can’t plan for the next cycle, I am just here.  Waiting.  It sucks.  I really hope my husband brings me an effing Blizzard on his way home.  I told him that if one jumped in his car on his way home I would probably eat it so hopefully he gets the not-so-subtle hint.  Then I can beat myself up for crappy eating habits.
  • Tax season is over.  Yay!  Except that I still have several projects to wrap up which will keep my busy (not crazy, tons of OT busy though) through May.  To celebrate/get the hell out of town, we went up to Walla Walla, WA for the weekend to do some wine tasting.  It was nice.  I forgot it was Easter so I felt guilty about that because it’s important to my in-laws.
  • On a related note:  holiday’s are hard.  Easter, in particular because it’s all about the kids (I know what Easter actually is about so spare me… you know what I mean).  Kids hunting eggs, kids dying eggs, kids eating candy, me eating kid’s candy, kids in pastels with hats and Mary Jane’s.  So  many photos on FB.  I did find myself thinking things like “can’t these parents get their shit together and dye a decent looking Easter Egg!  Jesus died for our sins, put a little effort into it!!”  Everyone’s eggs kind of sucked and I know that I could dye/decorate a much better egg so they can just shove their happy little family time.
  • My MIL made a comment last week that my niece didn’t recognize my husband on the cover of a magazine (yep, he was on the cover of a local magazine).  I suggested it might be the beard he had for a very short period of time that coincided with that photo shoot however she said that she thought we just needed to get together more often.  We probably do but those kinds of comments tap into my auntie guilt.  I feel like an absentee aunt sometimes but I don’t really know how to fix it.  It’s hard to be the kid-less one in the family.  It just is.  No matter what anyone says or does it doesn’t mitigate the fact that we’re not producing grandchildren or cousins (no one has ever said that, by the way).  I am not sure if she really thinks we need to get together with my SIL and family more often or if she was just missing us at the moment and that’s how it all came out.  My guess is she doesn’t even remember saying it…
  • I’ve convinced (it didn’t take much for most) my friends/family to paint me pictures so I can have an art gallery wall in my house.  I am really excited to see how it comes out.  That’s what I’m looking forward to these days.
  • I couldn’t get up the courage to go to D.C.  Apparently I’m not ready to be that “out there” with all of this.
  • I’ve been a total grump lately and I hate everyone.  Not really, but kind of.  You know the feeling.

So that’s the update.  Time to get back to my Fireball on the rocks and wait for my Blizzard…

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6 thoughts on “Still here… in bullets

  1. Your HCG level is so stubborn…. 😦 I agree with you about the whole Easter thing with kids and kids and more kids. Glad you got your vacation in. 🙂 Did you get your Blizzard?

    • He didn’t get me a Blizzard because he was paralyzed by indecision on what kind I would want (it’s true, I tend to get a different kind every time) but he did bring me a hot fudge sundae which was perfect! 🙂

  2. Yay to the fireball and boo to your body not getting the message on stopping this torment so you can at least start to plan for what’s next. Glad you survived tax season, and I hear you on the absentee aunt thing, I feel some guilt about that with my own nephew and am never quite sure how to solve it either. Or to be honest, if I even have the energy sometimes with everything that is going on with us.

  3. I hope you have been enjoying those fireballs hon. I’m sorry I’m only commenting on this now. I have been super busy with work and only catching up now. Please know that you have been in my thoughts and a lot. I hope those levels go down very soon!

    I went through this with my second miscarriage. It took several months for those levels to finally go down to 0. I kept taking tests and thinking it would be negative and then a faint line would appear. I remember getting a really faint positive and thinking, okay this is ridiculous and went in for another blood draw and my hcg was 12. My doctor couldn’t believe the hpt showed positive. It still took another week for the test to be negative. But once that test was negative, my period showed up a couple of days later adn it was finally over.

    I know it feels like it will never end, but it does eventually. Praying so hard it happens sooner than later so you can finally begin to heal. Big hug!

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