Resolve Advocacy Day… anyone wanna go?

Apparently I registered myself on Resolve’s website.  Just because I don’t remember it doesn’t mean that I didn’t do it.  🙂  Anyway, I got an email saying that no one from Oregon was attending their Advocacy Day in D.C. in early May and that I (and any other infertile Oregonian) should consider attending.  So I looked it up and I think it sounds really interesting.  Take a looksie and then volunteer yourself to come with me and represent your state!  Seriously, has anyone been to this or is anyone going?  Anyone want to go?  I know we all have a ton of expenses from our various treatments so I get the money issue, I do.  I don’t know, it just sounds like something I should do.

Thoughts??  Who’s in?



Liebster Award!

A big awesome shout out to one of my very favorite bloggy women Smile at My Lady Bits for nominating me for this lovely Liebster Award!  *high five, booty bump, hug*  If you don’t read her blog, you should.  She’s funny and clever and swears and drinks wine.  What is not to love about that?!  Thanks lady, love you!

To the questions (and these are hard!):

What has infertility forced you to learn about yourself, is there one thing that you can take away that has been a positive from this journey?  Infertility has forced me to learn that I used to be a little judgy about other people’s lives and change that.  It’s as simple as remembering that everything is relative to each person’s unique situation.  I had a co-worker share with me that his wife had miscarried.  He knew about my latest situation and said ‘it’s nothing compared to what you’re going through’ and I stopped him right there to make sure he knew that his pain, for the loss of his child, was no different than my pain.  This is the same person who’s mom died in a car wreck about 5 years ago.  I just talked to my mom on the phone.  Everyone has stuff.  Everyone has heartache and struggle and the enormity of it isn’t up to me to decide.  The positive lesson is that I know that I am a more compassionate person than I ever was before and as much as I’ve hated and resented this journey, this is a takeaway that I am very grateful for.

If you could pick one meal to have, from anywhere in the world, what would it be?  Oh boy, oh boy do I love food and the thing about great food is that it’s only as great as your company and your surroundings, in my opinion.  This is really hard.  My husband and I went to Italy on our honeymoon and spent a day hiking the Cinque Terra and when we finished we stopped at a restaurant playing Bruce Springsteen (random) and had pesto gnocchi and wine.  It was divine.  I think I would pick that meal but I’d have to back at the same place to eat it. 

What’s your favorite TV show?  My favorite TV show that is no longer on the air is Lost.  I loved that show.  We watched the first 4 seasons in about a 4 week span and then watched the remaining 3 seasons live.  It was just a great show.  I still watch reruns and love it.  My favorite show that is still on TV is Survivor.  I don’t know what it is but I just really like it.  It’s the only show I watch regularly and I think every week I tell my husband how horrible I would suck on it.  He would be great.  He would probably win but I wouldn’t be able to keep my snarky mouth shut and would probably get voted out ASAP.

What’s the best book you’ve read recently?  I haven’t been reading much lately and I need to get back into it.  It’s tax season so reading when I get home isn’t a high priority.  However… I did just read Lean In and I liked it.  I didn’t love it but there were several good takeaways that I thought were relevant to my career aspirations and my desire to have children.  I do love book suggestions so if you have any please tell.  Some of my past faves have been The Time Travelers Wife, The Lovely Bones, Hunger Games, etc.

What’s your guilty pleasure?  If I wasn’t so shy (ha!) my guilty pleasure would be karaoke.  I’m not a singer at all but I know a lot of songs and I like to sing along and every time I’ve imbibed and karaoke’d, it’s been a total blast.  Other than that, I LOVE to grab a bottle of wine and sit on my patio and read my book in the summer.  I could do it all day every day when it’s warm outside. 

If you could live anywhere on this planet, and take everything that you love with you, where would you choose to live?  I live in Oregon and I think it’s really the right place for me however if I were to pick somewhere other than here, I would choose to live in Venice.  To me Venice is this laid back fairy tale of a place.  I love it.

If you were to create a slogan for your life, what would it be?  The only thing stopping me is me. 

What was the best day of your life and why?  Totally cliché but my wedding day. It was just such a blast!  I loved having so many people who I love and enjoy being around together all at once.  Our DJ was insane and awesome and he did this “Circle of Love” thing where he made everyone at the reception (150 guests) get in a circle and hold hands then he started a traveling hug that started with my husband and I and ended at the other side of the ciricle where that person then ran over and gave my husband a hug to complete it.  It was so cool to see my best college girl hugging my sisters long time best friend and a good family friend of my parents hugging a relative of my husbands.  It was a moment I will never forget. All of this in addition to getting to marry the love of my life, of course!  So many great memories of that day.  After the wedding, going back to the hotel and watching highlights of our college football team get killed at Penn State and popping three bottles of champagne because we didn’t really like the first two…  It was truly magic.

What soothes your spirit when you are unhappy or in a bad mood?  My family.  Plain and simple.  A hug from my husband, an email from my mom, a phone call with my sister, a text from my dad.  All of them.  My extended family too.  They just remind me how lucky I am to have this life and to have them in it that the bad stuff tends to fade. 

And now the nominations!  I get to nominate some awesome peeps for this and I am very excited to do so!!  I think they are pretty neat so they have probably all been nominated for this already!

Jena over at Someday Mama has a really cool blog with video entries and everything.  They are currently waiting to figure out when they will transfer one of their 7 snowbabies!  She and her husband are ridiculously cute.  You can’t help but love them and root for them!

Elisha at Waiting for Baby Bird writes these wonderful, faith-based entries that always make me smile and nod my head and then think.  I love her writing style and I am not sure I have even commented much on her blog!  I am a total stalker you guys.  I am in awe of her relationship with Jesus and her ability to write so elegantly about it. 

Then there’s Miss Jenn’s Blog and her journey to double mommyhood.  She’s got twins on board!  Yay Jenn!!  I love her energy and spirit and am so excited to cheer her on in this next phase.

Last, but not least, is my fellow Oregonian over at It’s On it’s Way Today who is also a twin mommy-to-be.  Loved her latest post with the photo of her pregnancy announcement.  Thrilled for you!

And here are the rules:

If you choose to participate (and you don’t have to, no pressure at all) here are the rules to “accept” it.

  1. Thank the person who nominated you, and post a link to their blog on your blog.
  2. Display the award on your blog — by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a “widget” or a “gadget”.
  3. Answer the questions that I give you below:
  • What word or words of advice would you give to your 10-year old self?
  • What song would make you shush everyone around you and sing at the top of your lungs?
  • Would you rather be a watermelon or a pineapple?
  • What are you obsessed with right now?
  • What is one word that best describes you?
  • Is that one word different than you would have picked before this journey?
  • Tell us something about yourself that we may not know… for me, I am a really good jump roper.  Like really good.  Seriously.

    4.  Nominate as many blogs that you feel deserve the award.

    5.  Create a new list of questions for the bloggers you have nominated to answer.

    6.  List these rules in your post (You can copy and paste from here)

The road to recovery

If the road to recovery is a thing than physically I am finally on it.  A week after the Methotrexate shot from hell (holy cramping, pain in my belly, achey ouch), my levels are finally falling.  They are down about 50% so that’s good.  2,000-ish if you’re counting.  Hopefully the second 50% drops quickly cause I’m sick of this…. sort of.  There is something to be said for going through a bunch of crap to become “unpregnant”.  The chaos mirrors, to some extent, the chaos in my brain and in my body that is so invisible to so many people around me.  It’s like “see!  This is tough.  It’s hard on my body!  I have a right to be sad and angry!”  Many of the people who know that I miscarried don’t know that a miscarriage doesn’t happen in a day.  For some, the physical act might happen in a day and for others it might take months.  In both situations it’s in the past to the average bystander.  Life keeps moving forward and all I want to do is stand still and have everyone see the shatters of my life around me.  To know that I am dealing with stuff.  To know what to say and what to do and to remember.  To note the chaos, to feel the chaos with me and to understand, to empathize, that it’s o.k. that this pain isn’t going away.  But they can’t.  My husband, my family, my friends, my co-workers, they can’t because for them, this happened a long time ago.  For them, this happened nearly a month ago when I had surgery.  They have dealt with the shock and the pain and the sadness for our sadness (as I would have for them) but there’s someone who hasn’t dealt with it.  Me.  I go through life and think about what we’ve been through and I feel myself physically shake my head.  Disbelief.  I am not connecting, in my brain, that this happened.  Is it possible to still be in denial and in shock after all the physical pain I have felt?

I can’t make sense of the way I am feeling.  Some days I want to flee.  Like literally pack a bag, hop a bus and head off to a commune in Sedona or something.  Leave my life.  Leave my husband, my job, my home behind and start over.  Reset the expectation I have for the way I see my life unfolding.  Reset the expectation for those around me for the way I assume they see my life unfolding.  I would never do it.  I cried the day I moved 35 miles away from my parents.  I talk to someone in my family ever day.  I feel like there are days when I physically need the presence of my husband.  That his energy makes my heart beat and my lungs breathe.  So no, I won’t flee even on those days that I want to escape everything including my skin and my hair and my finger nails.  It feels so strange and yet so familiar because I’ve felt this before.  I felt this last time.  Last time I even went so far as to find a new job!  I didn’t take it but I searched and I interviewed and I got an offer but my gut told me no.  I drive my car to my job and come home to my house and my husband but I feel like there’s this other life being lived inside of me that outsiders looking in can’t see.

To the people who I know in real life who read this blog, and the numbers are intentionally few, do not feel bad.  You can’t know my internal struggle because you’re not me and you have your own life to live and battle and embrace each day.  I am not feeling alone and unsupported.  I know that all I have to do is say when and you are there.  For that I am eternally grateful.

To all the people who I don’t know in real life who read this blog (and whose blogs I read in turn), and particularly those who comment… thank you.  Because of you, I am reminded that while this road can be long and bumpy, there are better days ahead.  That this crazy doesn’t last and that my life won’t be defined it.  You restore my ability to hope when it feels hopeless.  I can’t wait to meet you all someday.


I’ve been drugged.  I had the methotrexate injections this morning about 10.  One in each butt cheek.  I am not feeling great right now but I think it’s just a lot for my body to process.  I suspect I will feel better as time goes on.  The doctor didn’t see anything on the ultrasound but I am not exactly sure what he was looking for.  He thinks that there is just some tissue left in the tube.  He seemed a little perplexed by it all.  He doesn’t have a huge practice with a ton of patients and since the risk of ectopic with IVF is 1-2%, it’s not like he’s had a lot of experience with this.  My options were basically take this medication or have a second surgery and risk losing the tube.  Obviously I opted for the meds.  It’s all a little overwhelming.  I just shake my head and wonder how I got here.  Thankfully I have a kind, selfless, caring husband whose number one focus is my health and my happiness.  He is emotionally steady which is exactly what I need.  He is exactly what I need.  Funny how that works out…

I think next week I am just going to post about life stuff and bag this fertility/infertility, pregnant/not pregnant, surgery/drug shit.  Maybe I’ll do “random thoughts by me” or something.

Are you kidding me?!?!?

We are now two weeks past surgery and my hcg has gone up!!  UP!  This is ridiculous.  It was at 3700 one week past my surgery and now it’s at 5500.  The nurse called me today with the results from my morning blood draw and the doctor wants to see me tonight for an ultrasound.  I have no idea what this means except my body is clearly fucked up.  Seriously screwed up to the max.  The nurse said the doctor will likely want to do the methotrexate injections.  Hey, universe!  Enough already!!!  Let me get back to normal.  Please.  It is the busiest time of year for work for me and I have to be out of town at a client next week.  This is beyond inconvenient.  This is fucking ridiculous.  I am so angry and there’s no one to be angry at except my shitty body. WORK!!!  Function like a normal person!!  So frustrating.  Sigh.

Quick check in

Hi everyone.  I just wanted to do a quick check in and first thank Smile at My Lady Bits ( sorry I don’t know, and didn’t make time to learn, how to hyperlink a word!) for her nomination for a Liebster Award.  This is very touching and I will post about it soon.  She asked very hard, deep questions and this shallow girl needs to buy time to come up with good answers.  🙂 I love, love, love Miss Smile and will give this award its due respect sometime soon!

I am continuing to recover from surgery.  My levels, however are screwing around.  I was at 4400 the day before my surgery and at 3700 the week after.  The doctor isn’t super impressed with my non-responding body again.  I think I see a trend… anyway, I will test again this week.  I don’t really know what it means if the levels drop slowly (except that I’ve been there before and we will monitor via blood tests until the end of time) but I do know if they level off or something then the doctor worries about leftover tissue and I may have to take the Methotrexate shot which I don’t want to have to do.  I gotta question where that 2nd embryo might be… hanging on in my uterus?  I don’t mean to suggest that it’s hanging on in a thriving sense but more just stuck up in there.  Or is it attached to some other place in my body?   We will probably never know but it seems it could be a likely suspect for why the levels aren’t dropping at the rapid pace considered normal (like I should have been below 100).  My levels obviously dipped but if the embryos were taking a tour of my insides, I suspect that could make things come out wacky.

That’s where we’re at.  Back to work…