The other shoe dropped

It’s ectopic.

I went into my clinic today to pick up more progesterone suppositories because I was set to run out tomorrow.  Before I went I started having more noticeable pain in my abdomen and on my right side.  The pain isn’t really anything but it’s there; kind of like mild cramps.  I also noticed that the spotting had changed in that it was no longer brown, it was red.  When I got to the clinic I asked to see a nurse.  I talked with the nurse and she got the Doctor’s sidekick (the bearer of all bad news… I still really like her though) and she did an ultrasound.  Based on my hcg last week (8 days ago) she said I should be over 2,000 and thus she should be able to see a gestational sac.  If there’s nothing visible then that either means the pregnancy stopped developing or that the pregnancy was progressing somewhere outside my uterus.  She couldn’t find anything in my uterus nor could she see my tubes super well.  She said it’s hard to see a pregnancy in a tube anyway.  My hcg came back around 4,000 which indicates good doubling and therefore the pregnancy is progressing just not where it is supposed to.  I will be having laparoscopic surgery tomorrow to remove the pregnancy and probably have a D&C.  I say probably because she said that’s kind of a game time decision based on what the cameras see.  If they think there is pregnancy tissue in the uterus then they’ll clear that too but if not, then there’s no need.  The other option was to take some drug that kills off fast growing cells (same family as chemotherapy) and that requires lots of blood monitoring and takes a longer time and can impact livery function.  That option didn’t feel right for us.

This journey robs us of hope.  The only bright side is that as a result, my hopes never got up too high after the last scare.  When my levels dropped a couple of weeks ago I felt like I had been punched in the gut.  I was totally blindsided.  This time, since they mentioned ectopic pregnancy before,  and I had been spotting and just feeling generally like something was amiss, the blow has been easier to process.  I am also very focused on getting through the surgery and not having my tube burst in the mean time.  I don’t really need that tube, it wasn’t doing anything anyway but it’s a dangerous position to be in.

The uncertainty about what was happening is over.  There is some level of relief there.  The space in my brain that doesn’t have to deal with uncertainty now has to deal with sadness.  I am exhausted.  My brain, my body, my spirit area all very tired.  I just want this to be over so I can move on.  I sound like I was completely hopeless the last few weeks and I wasn’t but I wasn’t entirely hopeful either.  Now we know.  There is nothing left to Google or angst about.  We are nearing the end of this cycle and will work on picking up the pieces to form a new plan.  Today was not a good day.


17 thoughts on “The other shoe dropped

  1. 😦 I am so so sorry about it all. There are no words for this. I just want to say that this is extremely unfair and I am so sorry that you’re going through this. Holding you in my thoughts and my prayers.

  2. I am so sorry. That is just the worst thing that could happen. I was really hoping this one would work. I know that nothing I can say will make it better but please know you are in my thoughts.

  3. Oh no. My heart sank when I read your title. I’m so sorry hon. There are no words. All I can say is I’m here for you anytime. Praying your surgery goes smoothly. Big hug.

  4. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Fuck this terrible disease and how it gives you hope and rips it away. I am so, so very sad for you. I really thought this was it, your trip out of this infertility hell hole. You are in my thoughts from many miles away. I will be home soon and my offer still stands to come down there when you are feeling better after your surgery. I know that nothing can truly help, but anything I can do, I’m there for you.

  5. Oh honey, I am so so sorry to read this. There are no words, I just hope you’re treating yourself kindly and able to find strength in those who love you. You’re on my heart.

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