Waiting for the other shoe to drop

I feel like that.  It’s a very fragile state of mind.  It’s a bit like you are in a haunted house and you just know something is going to jump out and scare the bejeezus out of you and yet you still jump a mile high when it happens.  I am in the waiting phase.  I decided not to do anymore blood tests because we’ve had a decent run of doubling.  I felt super anxious on Tuesday waiting for the test results and I just thought to myself (and this is a real quote) “I don’t need this shit”.  Today would have been another test and I was feeling good about the fact that I didn’t go in for it until the spotting started.  I know that can be normal and particularly if we had two embryos implant and one has stopped but still.  Cause for concern?  Maybe.  Don’t know.  Am I cramping?  I don’t know.  Maybe.  I feel like I could be imagining cramping and possibly if I have to think hard about it, they aren’t real.  I am trying to think positive thoughts and visualize flowers in my uterus or whatever I’m supposed to be visualizing but this pattern of good news/bad news is wearing me down.  If the pattern were to continue then it’s time for bad news.  I know that this is totally out of my control.  I know that, right?  O.k.  I know there is very little that I can do or can’t do to impact the viability of this pregnancy, that I think I buy.  Can any part of this be easy breezy?  Nah, who need that?  So, here I sit.  Trying to work and keep my mind off whether or not those pangs are gas or cramps or a sign of an ectopic pregnancy.  A day in the life. 

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6 thoughts on “Waiting for the other shoe to drop

  1. Damn it you do deserve easy and breezy, at least for this part since it was such hell to get here. You definitely don’t need this shit. I am back from the sunshine – but it is sunny here in Seattle today so I am continuing my sunshine and happiness vibes over to you and your flower covered uterus (things I never thought I would write in a sentence, ha).

  2. I totally know the feelings you’re going through. Today I thought I had what would be nausea, but I really think it’s from my morning’s prenatal vitamin because the timing was bang on. Lots of waiting. Just want to let you know you’re not alone. I am hoping along with you! Hugs.

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