Is this my life?

It sure seems like this is actually my life.  Any chance this is a dream?  As each day passes the shock and denial of this last week is wearing off.  I don’t like the foggy, unclear memory part but I’m fine with the dissociative part (my therapist is not, however).  Anyway, the surgery went fine.  My doctor called yesterday to let me know the pathology report came back confirming an ectopic pregnancy.  What?  Didn’t we know that?  I am not planning on asking more questions.  I don’t want to know the technical classification of anything beyond my baseline knowledge of ectopic pregnancy.  Anyway, I am healing physically.  Slower than I thought I would but still healing.  It seems as the physical pain lessens the emotional pain and reality of what’s happened settles deeper.  There is so much more I want to write about, that I need to write about, that would be good for me and healthy for me to write about but today is not that day.  My focus today is to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward.

Thank you all for your love and support. 

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The other shoe dropped

It’s ectopic.

I went into my clinic today to pick up more progesterone suppositories because I was set to run out tomorrow.  Before I went I started having more noticeable pain in my abdomen and on my right side.  The pain isn’t really anything but it’s there; kind of like mild cramps.  I also noticed that the spotting had changed in that it was no longer brown, it was red.  When I got to the clinic I asked to see a nurse.  I talked with the nurse and she got the Doctor’s sidekick (the bearer of all bad news… I still really like her though) and she did an ultrasound.  Based on my hcg last week (8 days ago) she said I should be over 2,000 and thus she should be able to see a gestational sac.  If there’s nothing visible then that either means the pregnancy stopped developing or that the pregnancy was progressing somewhere outside my uterus.  She couldn’t find anything in my uterus nor could she see my tubes super well.  She said it’s hard to see a pregnancy in a tube anyway.  My hcg came back around 4,000 which indicates good doubling and therefore the pregnancy is progressing just not where it is supposed to.  I will be having laparoscopic surgery tomorrow to remove the pregnancy and probably have a D&C.  I say probably because she said that’s kind of a game time decision based on what the cameras see.  If they think there is pregnancy tissue in the uterus then they’ll clear that too but if not, then there’s no need.  The other option was to take some drug that kills off fast growing cells (same family as chemotherapy) and that requires lots of blood monitoring and takes a longer time and can impact livery function.  That option didn’t feel right for us.

This journey robs us of hope.  The only bright side is that as a result, my hopes never got up too high after the last scare.  When my levels dropped a couple of weeks ago I felt like I had been punched in the gut.  I was totally blindsided.  This time, since they mentioned ectopic pregnancy before,  and I had been spotting and just feeling generally like something was amiss, the blow has been easier to process.  I am also very focused on getting through the surgery and not having my tube burst in the mean time.  I don’t really need that tube, it wasn’t doing anything anyway but it’s a dangerous position to be in.

The uncertainty about what was happening is over.  There is some level of relief there.  The space in my brain that doesn’t have to deal with uncertainty now has to deal with sadness.  I am exhausted.  My brain, my body, my spirit area all very tired.  I just want this to be over so I can move on.  I sound like I was completely hopeless the last few weeks and I wasn’t but I wasn’t entirely hopeful either.  Now we know.  There is nothing left to Google or angst about.  We are nearing the end of this cycle and will work on picking up the pieces to form a new plan.  Today was not a good day.

Valentine’s gag

Is anyone else having a major gag reflex to Valentine’s day this year?  I am and usually I don’t care one way or another but this year Valentine’s Day can take a hike!  This disgust is not because I don’t love my husband so no need to wonder about that.  I think I have OD’d on chocolate so my belly aches and I’m annoyed at everyone posting their wedding photo as their profile picture and then waxing poetic about the love of their life.  Now some of you have done this today and I don’t begrudge you, I might have too if I wasn’t in such a snarly mood.  Today I say give me a break!  People do this all for show in an attempt to prove to the world that their life is the happiest and I’m jealous.  Let’s face it, that’s what this is all about.  I know that people use social media only to exaggerate the great things in their life and never show the skeletons in the closet but still.  I’m mad at all these happy people and I don’t really know why.  I have THE BEST husband so take that!  Oh and la-de-fucking-da please don’t forget to show me the pictures of your little cherub babies covered in heart confetti as well.  I’m being a total brat.  Rant over.  Off to find me some more chocolate that I can stuff in this grumpy face.  I’m certain that will help.  haha! 

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

I feel like that.  It’s a very fragile state of mind.  It’s a bit like you are in a haunted house and you just know something is going to jump out and scare the bejeezus out of you and yet you still jump a mile high when it happens.  I am in the waiting phase.  I decided not to do anymore blood tests because we’ve had a decent run of doubling.  I felt super anxious on Tuesday waiting for the test results and I just thought to myself (and this is a real quote) “I don’t need this shit”.  Today would have been another test and I was feeling good about the fact that I didn’t go in for it until the spotting started.  I know that can be normal and particularly if we had two embryos implant and one has stopped but still.  Cause for concern?  Maybe.  Don’t know.  Am I cramping?  I don’t know.  Maybe.  I feel like I could be imagining cramping and possibly if I have to think hard about it, they aren’t real.  I am trying to think positive thoughts and visualize flowers in my uterus or whatever I’m supposed to be visualizing but this pattern of good news/bad news is wearing me down.  If the pattern were to continue then it’s time for bad news.  I know that this is totally out of my control.  I know that, right?  O.k.  I know there is very little that I can do or can’t do to impact the viability of this pregnancy, that I think I buy.  Can any part of this be easy breezy?  Nah, who need that?  So, here I sit.  Trying to work and keep my mind off whether or not those pangs are gas or cramps or a sign of an ectopic pregnancy.  A day in the life. 

Doubled

Beta today was up to 330 so it doubled again. Yay!! The doctor suspects that both embryos implanted but that one may have stopped developing very early on and thus resulting in my levels dropping. He said we won’t know for sure until we do an ultrasound in a couple of weeks. We will continue to monitor via blood tests every other day until I get sick of that. We’ll see how long to my ultrasound. I may do another week of monitoring and if my levels are good then stop but maybe not. I’ll just see how I am feeling about all of it. I really have no symptoms so I can’t monitor myself that way.

I am holding out a little hope that both embryos are alive and well as I think I will be a little sad about losing one. Day by day and today is a good day!!

148… what?

One of the women who works in my RE’s practice is a certified nurse midwife and a masters in nursing so she’s not a doctor but she’s got more credentials than the nursing staff.  She performs monitoring ultrasounds and IUI’s and the like but nothing surgical.  She also seems the be the designated caller for bad news.  She’s the one who called on Wednesday and said “this is bad news, your level is down to 66, we’d like to check again on Friday just to be sure but you can stop the progesterone if you want because we are not optimistic about the numbers rising” (side note: I did not stop the progesterone suppositories).  She consults the doctor prior to making these calls so I am sure she just communicated what they discussed and what they are used to seeing.  How can they really communicate anything else?  Today I went into my clinic for my blood draw (in the midst of Snopocalypse 2.0 here in Oregon) and my RE was standing near the lab and he said “this is a real pisser, isn’t it?  we want to monitor your levels and just watch what is happening”  I said “I think we know what is happening” and he nods and says something about how I should set up an appointment with him for the week of the 17th and that this might be an indicator of egg quality but that we will know more as we see this cycle out.  I have my blood drawn and come back to work where I feel shitty and wished I could have just gone home and went back to bed for a few months.  Hours pass slowly, as they always do when waiting for phone calls, and finally the call came.  I was expecting a number lower than 66 and then I could continue to figure out what alcoholic beverages I would use to drown my sorrows over the weekend.  The call came in from the nurse who said my hcg had risen to 148 and then she says “we’re very happy with the rise”.  Seriously?  My mind was completely blown.  I asked about 10 million questions that she didn’t have the answer to but bottom line we are back in the pregnancy ball game… for now. She said I could test again in 48 hours or just schedule an OB ultrasound for 3 weeks.  Umm, yeah, I’ll test again in 48 hours.  I have no expectation for what the levels will do.  Does anyone have any experience with their levels dropping and then rising and continuing to rise?  The nurse wanted me to also be very aware of the symptoms of an ectopic pregnancy.  She said sometimes that can cause the fluctuations.  Bottom line: we will know more on Sunday.  Mathematically the doubling rates don’t make sense if the Wednesday number was an anomaly… (Sat 36, Mon 86, Wed 66, Fri 148) but I’ll take it.  This is seriously the craziest, most emotionally draining thing I’ve ever dealt with. Thank you to everyone for your kind and supportive words.  Keep your seatbelts on, this ride isn’t over yet!  I am just taking it minute by minute and trying to rebuild my spirit from 2 days of despair and maintain a positive mental attitude.  I know this is completely out of my hands so I will keep hoping.