Stims day 1 is under our belt. Literally under our belt as that’s where the injections go. Clearly the hormones haven’t done anything about my terrible sense of humor. 🙂 Our ultrasound on Saturday went fine and my Estradiol was where it needed to be. Throughout this journey I have never been much of a data gal which strikes me as odd considering I love data. I am a CPA after all. I suspect the lack of data is because my Doc doesn’t freely disclose where things are and I don’t ask. I think we both figure it’s one less thing for me to analyze and freak out about. We’re doing Menopur in the morning and Puregon in the evening. 225 mcg each. So those drug names are a little made up because I can’t really remember. Also it’s 225 something… not sure if mcg is the correct measure but whateves. My husband handles all the drugs. It’s this very strange dichotomy in our relationship. For some reason, I can totally rescind control over this and let him do it (now why doesn’t that work with grocery shopping?!). He does all the AM mixing (lots of vial snapping and drawing fluid in and out) and then the evening is with the Follistim pen thingamajig which works pretty slick. After the injection yesterday morning he was very concerned that he moved the needle too much or that he didn’t inject slow enough. It was totally fine. He does a great job and it really relieves a bunch of stress knowing he’s dealing with that and then doing the injection. I just lay there and deal with the aftermath. At this point the only side effect is the giant welt from the AM injection. I am hoping that maybe it was just a touchy spot and I don’t end up with a matching one on the other side of my belly from this AM’s injection because ouch! It’s very sensitive and the size of a elongated silver dollar (has anyone actually seen a silver dollar recently? I haven’t but it’s bigger than a quarter and so is this welt). So sensitive that I didn’t sleep very well because every time I moved I could feel it and it woke me up. So far, that’s the worst of it. Time will tell.
This whole process finally became real to me yesterday because it started. It finally started. No more talking about it or planning for it or thinking about it, now it’s time to live it. Oh and I also wrote a check for $9,720. As a result I immediately felt trapped in my decision and wondered what the hell I got myself into. This from the injections not the check writing. The check writing was actually freeing to some degree because I don’t have to think about that anymore. It’s just done. I guess I just found myself thinking “here we go again”. I was finally starting to feel normal and better. The great fog of 2013 had lifted and now I am potentially creating new fog if this were to be unsuccessful. Circle + Bloom is helping me visualize success so don’t worry. My follicles are accepting the hormones with open arms or some shit like that….zzzz. Anyway, this is real and could result in a real pregnancy and a real baby. Could. And if it does, what the hell will I do with a real baby??? Then I pushed that thought aside because that’s a long way off. One day at a time.
The other thing I started to contemplate and then also pushed a side. By pushed aside I really mean, wrote down to talk to my head lady about… was that I started wondering what non IF-ers think about failed cycles. I just started to wonder if people that are oblivious to this life but who know about this cycle of mine (i.e. my bosses come to mind – 3/9 of them know) will think of me as a total failure and less of a woman if this cycle doesn’t pan out. Or maybe they already think that because I have to deal with this. These are all reflections we, in this community, have had about ourselves at one time or another but those were long ago for me and I came to grips with all that. I was a little surprised that those feelings crept back in yesterday. I kind of don’t care what they think but it makes me wonder if subconsciously it has an impact on how they view my career path. I will never know and that’s fine with me. Regardless, we are underway. Shooting up and dates with the dildocam…So glamorous!
Update: We got our weekend cooking project done! I might do a post about it because I’m pretty impressed with myself. 1 trip to Costco, 1 trip to Winco, $400 and 30 dinners. Each dinner serves 4-6 so we figure if we cook one “fresh” thing each week and then do two dinners from the freezer (some are casseroles, some are crockpot type things) then we ought to be set to eat fairly healthy all the way through March or April!