Stuck

Here’s the thing about unresolved infertility… you are perpetually stuck somewhere.  Stuck waiting for a new cycle to start because you had to skip one, stuck in the two week wait, stuck in the throws of hormonal manipulation. Right now we are stuck waiting for our IVF cycle to begin. We aren’t doing anything which, for a planner like me, is hard.  I like a plan and I like progress.  Set goals, work toward goal, achieve goal.  We are stuck in the “work toward goal” phase.  This is just all the stuck-ness from a treatment standpoint. 

Right now I am feeling more stuck in that pre-kid phase of life.  I am old enough to have plenty of kids and yet we don’t.  It leaves people wondering “do they want kids?  they better get moving, she’s not getting any younger!” And we haven’t reached the phase where we are comfortable with the fact that we don’t have kids and are moving forward with that chapter of life.  We’ve been stuck in wanting kids but without kids stage for nearly 4 years.  I’m getting tired of it.  It’s this phase where our siblings have had not one, but two children and those kids have graduated from diapers and are starting school.  We’ve endured pregnancy announcements and are on to round two or even three from some friends.  We’re the ones sleeping in, staying out late, cocktails when we want them, dinner when we want it, food sometimes in the house and sometimes not and it feels like by the time we have kids our friends will be back to this place.  They will be ready to socialize again because their kids will be old enough for a sitter or to go to the grandparents and we’ll be the ones chained to the sleeping and feeding schedule.  Our nieces and nephews are reaping the benefits of energetic, healthy parents.  They are enjoying their grandparents as we enjoyed our parents.  I want that for our unborns and as time ticks on, age starts playing a factor for the grandparents.  They slow down, the wear and tear of a lifetime of raising kids and now spoiling grandkids takes a toll.  I want time to speed up for me so that we get to the part where we have a baby but I want time to slow down so that our parents stay the way they are. 

This stuckiness feeling has really crept in over the last couple of days and the reason is that our last close kid-less friend, got a kid.  I say “got” a kid because they went the adoption route and their son was born.  We are thrilled for them.  They had some fertility issues that they decided not to deal with and instead went straight for adoption.  They were matched with a birth mother after their book was completed for about 2 months and the mother was already 5 months along.  While there have been so many emotions and anxiety (and they aren’t out of the woods yet) with respect to this journey, it was too fast for me.  I wasn’t able to really process.  I didn’t have 9 months to get ready for our friends to be parents.  Neither did they but this isn’t their blog!  🙂  These specific friends used to be able to relate to social situations and family pressures (not that we have many) and now they can’t.  That bond is broken.  Happily for them, unhappily for us.  They have their son and that’s all that matters and truthfully is all that should matter.  That feeling of isolation was just amplified more than I anticipated. So now, we’re stuck with a bunch of friends with a bunch of kids and we’re the people just hanging around. 

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6 thoughts on “Stuck

  1. I totally understand the feeling of being stuck and the waiting part. The part about your friend struck a chord. I have had a few friends in life who have struggled with fertility. One by one they get pregnant. And there you go. Like you said, the bond is broken. One particular friend just got pregnant and I could already feel the change in the air in our relationship. It’s sad but it’s true. I hope that in the coming year you’ll get your wishes fulfilled. Hoping the best for you.

  2. Totally, totally relate. We just got yet another BFN today. That 2ww killed me a little, and while I’m relieved the wait is over and crushed by the result, there’s yet another wait now, and then there’ll be another, etc.
    Thankfully, my husband and I are both oldest children. We’re the only married ones, the only ones anywhere near wanting children. We also got married pretty young, so for a while there, there were only people from our religious community really popping up with pregnancy announcements left and right. But all of my friends from high school and college are married (or getting married) and planning on getting on the baby train in the next year (actually, a handful of them are on baby #2 or 3). Whatever.
    The point is, I get it. And it really, really sucks.

  3. Reading this was like reading the story about my own life! I feel your pain hon! I hope so much that the coming New Year is the turning point for all of us.

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