The questioning

Here’s the part of the story where I start to question what in the hell I am doing with my life.  This journey to kids (or no kids) causes this state of questioning often.  It’s usually when I think I am firmly rooted in a plan that the doubt starts to creep in and I begin to work on convincing myself that the plan isn’t the right plan for me.

I’ve always thought I wanted kids.  I like kids, I am decent with kids and I would like to think my husband and I would make some pretty awesome tiny humans.  After our loss last year I really started to question if what I thought I always wanted was because I truly wanted it or because I thought I should want it.  I decided that maybe I didn’t want kids after all.  I attempted to plant the seed with my mom and my mom-in-law and my sister and my sis-in-laws to get a read on the level of disappointment they would feel if we chose to live child-free.  There was definitely some level of dashed dreams and disbelief but apparently I wasn’t super convincing in my pitch as they didn’t really believe my story.  I ran through the gauntlet of what our life might be like without kids.  We could travel, we could focus on our careers, we could volunteer more, and the list goes on.  I don’t know what life with a kid looks like.  I know it doesn’t look super glamorous for a lot of new moms but they say it’s worth it.  Is it?  I know what my child-free existence looks like right now and it looks pretty good.  A life with kids?  Well, it’s a big black hole of unknown.  Will the joy that children apparently bring ease the pain we’ve endured?  Will it erase the scars of failed attempts and loss?  I have a really hard time believing that it will.

The real truth is that I have figured out a way to ease the stress and slow the emotional roller coaster and that is to attempt to resolve that kids just may never be our reality.  I know we are embarking on an IVF cycle and I should be hopeful but right now the protection mechanism is to plan.  The white space that was February and March is starting to fill up and the only thing I know to fill it with is grief and resolution.  In my heart of hearts (is that even a real saying? it makes no sense) I don’t see myself as a parent.  Also, if this cycle fails I am not sure that we have a lot of other options.  The money tree will be as barren as I am.

We’re looking down the barrel of 4 years on this path.  Enough time to endure the second “I’m pregnant” announcement from just about everyone I know and enough time to damage my spirit and alter my view of our life.  I feel guilty that I have saddled my spouse with this potential destiny.  I feel guilty that my parents may never see me parent.  I feel isolated in the struggle.  I just want it to be done.  I am glad that we’ve chosen to go the IVF route because I want to be able to say that we tried our hardest.  There are so many women who suffer multiple losses and go through multiple rounds of treatment because they want motherhood so badly.  I just so badly want to feel better.  I want to feel less bad inside.  I want to feel in control of my life.  I want to resolve.  I am so frightened about the outcome of this cycle.  Terrified.  Confused.  Does this questioning mean I will fail because I didn’t want it enough?  Am I bringing it on myself?  So many questions with so few answers.

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5 thoughts on “The questioning

  1. I think we all go through this questioning – and when you are in it you just want it to be over. That is one of the toughest parts of this, the endless loop of ‘Am I doing enough?, Do I want it enough?, Is it wrong to just want my life back?’. Trust me, I have been through all of this, I never even wanted kids until I hit 33 and so I even have the guilt of if I had made up my mind sooner, or is this punishment for not wanting this earlier in life. But really, f all of that. If we all got pregnant the second month of trying we wouldn’t have time or even the thought to analyze our intentions or even feel like crap about all of this. And it is so hard to picture yourself as a parent when it seems like something that you can’t even picture ever happening, I think that is the mind trying to protect us from that emotional roller coaster. And I’ll tell you what I try (and fail most times) to tell myself – you need to be easier on yourself, this is not your fault, or your doing, it’s just a shitty situation that you have the strength to survive and come out a stronger person because of it. Good luck and will be thinking of you and sending hope that IVF will be your resolution.

    • Thank you for the validation. As I said to myhopejar, it would be so great to be able to bitch and moan and complain about this journey over cocktails or pie but I do so appreciate knowing you guys are out there.

  2. I ditto everything My Lady Bits said above. It’s so unfair that we have to go through all of this and because of that, we start to question everything. As more time goes by and we see our family and friends having second and third children, while we’re still working on trying to have one, it’s impossible to not wonder if the time has past and maybe it’s time to stop trying and just start living our lives again. I’m so tired of it all too. I think deep down, you’ll know when you’re done, but it’s not yet. You’re trying something new. You’re still in this. Praying so hard IVF does the trick! Big hug!

    P.s., I know exactly what you mean about feeling isolated, but know you are not alone. I’m always here ❤

    • Thanks Lady. The beauty and the beast of this whole thing is that there are too many of us on this journey. The virtual support is so very meaningful. It sure would be nice to live close and bitch about this stuff over booze. 🙂

      • It really is the beauty and the beast of all of this that there are so many of us. So perfectly said! Oh how I wish we were all closer and could get together and bitch over booze too!

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