Here’s the part of the story where I start to question what in the hell I am doing with my life. This journey to kids (or no kids) causes this state of questioning often. It’s usually when I think I am firmly rooted in a plan that the doubt starts to creep in and I begin to work on convincing myself that the plan isn’t the right plan for me.
I’ve always thought I wanted kids. I like kids, I am decent with kids and I would like to think my husband and I would make some pretty awesome tiny humans. After our loss last year I really started to question if what I thought I always wanted was because I truly wanted it or because I thought I should want it. I decided that maybe I didn’t want kids after all. I attempted to plant the seed with my mom and my mom-in-law and my sister and my sis-in-laws to get a read on the level of disappointment they would feel if we chose to live child-free. There was definitely some level of dashed dreams and disbelief but apparently I wasn’t super convincing in my pitch as they didn’t really believe my story. I ran through the gauntlet of what our life might be like without kids. We could travel, we could focus on our careers, we could volunteer more, and the list goes on. I don’t know what life with a kid looks like. I know it doesn’t look super glamorous for a lot of new moms but they say it’s worth it. Is it? I know what my child-free existence looks like right now and it looks pretty good. A life with kids? Well, it’s a big black hole of unknown. Will the joy that children apparently bring ease the pain we’ve endured? Will it erase the scars of failed attempts and loss? I have a really hard time believing that it will.
The real truth is that I have figured out a way to ease the stress and slow the emotional roller coaster and that is to attempt to resolve that kids just may never be our reality. I know we are embarking on an IVF cycle and I should be hopeful but right now the protection mechanism is to plan. The white space that was February and March is starting to fill up and the only thing I know to fill it with is grief and resolution. In my heart of hearts (is that even a real saying? it makes no sense) I don’t see myself as a parent. Also, if this cycle fails I am not sure that we have a lot of other options. The money tree will be as barren as I am.
We’re looking down the barrel of 4 years on this path. Enough time to endure the second “I’m pregnant” announcement from just about everyone I know and enough time to damage my spirit and alter my view of our life. I feel guilty that I have saddled my spouse with this potential destiny. I feel guilty that my parents may never see me parent. I feel isolated in the struggle. I just want it to be done. I am glad that we’ve chosen to go the IVF route because I want to be able to say that we tried our hardest. There are so many women who suffer multiple losses and go through multiple rounds of treatment because they want motherhood so badly. I just so badly want to feel better. I want to feel less bad inside. I want to feel in control of my life. I want to resolve. I am so frightened about the outcome of this cycle. Terrified. Confused. Does this questioning mean I will fail because I didn’t want it enough? Am I bringing it on myself? So many questions with so few answers.