All the Rage.

It’s been about a week since I’ve been back on birth control pills.  I say back on because I took birth control pills from about the time I was 17 until I was about 28.  Then we joyfully tossed them aside and got started on this whole family thing all bright eyed and bushy tailed.  Ha. Haha.  Hahahahaha…. what a joke!  I was off of birth control pills for about a year and a half without any additional hormonal interference.  However, as a PCOS-er my hormones are whack anyway so I don’t recall noticing much difference.  I then went back on birth control for a month or two here or there to regulate and prep for a new cycle, etc, etc.  I also went on birth control pills back in January as my RE felt that it might regulate my mood and hormones after my miscarriage.  Well, I never really went off of them until September.  I went off of them because my acupuncturist suggested it (and I do whatever people tell me too…not really but he had some valid points) and because I finally realized that I would have these headaches during my off-week.  These headaches seemed to be getting worse with each passing month or I just became acutely aware of them.  Who knows.  Anyway, I was off of birth control for 2 cycles (24 days and 45 days… irregular much?) and am now back on in prep for the January IVF cycle (My RE only does IVF during odd months.  There’s a joke there I think).  In addition to the birth control, I started DHEA and my baby aspirin over the weekend.

I have read several blogs where the women have said things about the evil, horrible birth control pill and I always thought “woa, thank goodness I never had anything like that in the many years I was on it!” I don’t know what it is and maybe it’s the pills but holy hell Batman, the rage-y feelings these last couple of days has been off the charts.  I didn’t notice it then but these last couple of months have been a Chinese herb zen compared to what these last few days have been like.  I feel like I could claw someone’s eyes out.  I had a meltdown because one of my bosses (in an email that I got at home, thank goodness) made a suggestion about how I could improve this staff networking event I am planning.  Really? A tiny suggestion and it brought on a wave of distress and anguish about my horrific boss.  Who, mind you, is not horrific.  I haven’t been able to sleep, my heart is racing a little bit the smallest little thing creates a cry-lump in my throat or I get really hot and literally seethe.  I do not like to be hot.  It starts the stress sweats and then I have to go the dry cleaner more often and I smell like hot deodorant.  Overall, I feel totally irrational!!  What’s that about?  Have I always been this irrational, rage-y person or am I the zen?  I doubt I am totally zen but this quick temper thing, which I have always identified myself as having seems to have snuck back up on me.  Amusingly, I found myself thinking the other day that I was totally knocking this therapy thing out of the park and that all of my neurosis would cured in no time!  Wrong.  I’m one crazy bitch!  The real question is will the real Slim Shady please stand up??

Maybe I have always been impacted by my own personal birth control pill horror story and never noticed it!  If I am ever off them and back to zen state will anyone even recognize me?  I would love to be zen so I doubt it’s really in me 100%.  I mean, seriously, can there be Zen Type A people or is that just an oxymoron?  This is a new brand of birth control pill for me.  Are there special pre-IVF birth control pills?  Is that a thing that I didn’t know about??  Is that what the nurse meant by “continuous-active”?  I assumed that meant, don’t take the placebo.  Well whatever it is, this is just the beginning so hold on to your hats team, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “All the Rage.

  1. I have never been on birth control pills in my life. And my RE isn’t going to prescribe any because it will totally shut down my ovaries as they are already kind of sleepy. It sounds horrible what it does to you though. Type A zen person? I can totally imagine one. 🙂 And it IS odd that your RE only does IVF on odd months. I hope that it IS a joke. I hope that your husband is very forgiving while you’re on your pills.

  2. Hot deodorant smell. Hilarious! so that’s what I have when I get overly worked up! I was on the pill for over 10 years and never felt as bad as I did when I went back on it before IVF. I was a crazy person on it. I know my husband must really love me because I would have left me if I had to live with me during that! Hang in there, it will be over soon. Sending you positive thoughts for January!

  3. My ending of birth control pills came after a new brand caused a major slide into depression which I have NEVER had before. It was like a totally different person and it was very eye opening. Hopefully the rage will subside as you count down to kickoff in Jan. That is a faith based and of course unsubstantiated hope, but I offer it up none the less.

  4. My boss laughs at me because I aspire to be this Tim Gunn boho easy-breezy person and then boss every single person I know around and get ragey with her about once a week for daring to ask me questions about what I’m up to or suggest anything to me, haha. Anyways, I always figured those crazy feelings were actual crazy feelings amplified like 5000 by crazy-making hormones. I hope you only have to ride the crazy wave a little longer. Curious if you attribute any of your difficulty conceiving to your many years on the pill? I was on the pill from age 12 to 27 (I wasn’t a tween ho, it was because of irregular periods in my youth haha) and then just staying on it seemed easier. We did the same as you guys, at 27 we decided we were ready & I went off the pill thinking that was that. I always wondered if that long a time on the pill could be part-culprit for our infertility? They say it isn’t, but it feels like it might be. What do you think? xo darlin

    • I love me a rage-y, boho Tim Gunn!! Haha! As for the devil pills, I really don’t attribute our struggle to that. I feel like there are lots and lots of women who are on the pill for a long time and hop off that bus and right onto the motherhood bus. I also feel like the research would be more authoritative by now if that were the case. I also can’t really go there because then I spiral into a “this is my fault” and “I did this to me” which isn’t a good place for me to reside. I suspect my uterus has very high standards (like myself) and my husbands boys just aren’t making the cut… 😉

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s