It’s been about a week since I’ve been back on birth control pills. I say back on because I took birth control pills from about the time I was 17 until I was about 28. Then we joyfully tossed them aside and got started on this whole family thing all bright eyed and bushy tailed. Ha. Haha. Hahahahaha…. what a joke! I was off of birth control pills for about a year and a half without any additional hormonal interference. However, as a PCOS-er my hormones are whack anyway so I don’t recall noticing much difference. I then went back on birth control for a month or two here or there to regulate and prep for a new cycle, etc, etc. I also went on birth control pills back in January as my RE felt that it might regulate my mood and hormones after my miscarriage. Well, I never really went off of them until September. I went off of them because my acupuncturist suggested it (and I do whatever people tell me too…not really but he had some valid points) and because I finally realized that I would have these headaches during my off-week. These headaches seemed to be getting worse with each passing month or I just became acutely aware of them. Who knows. Anyway, I was off of birth control for 2 cycles (24 days and 45 days… irregular much?) and am now back on in prep for the January IVF cycle (My RE only does IVF during odd months. There’s a joke there I think). In addition to the birth control, I started DHEA and my baby aspirin over the weekend.
I have read several blogs where the women have said things about the evil, horrible birth control pill and I always thought “woa, thank goodness I never had anything like that in the many years I was on it!” I don’t know what it is and maybe it’s the pills but holy hell Batman, the rage-y feelings these last couple of days has been off the charts. I didn’t notice it then but these last couple of months have been a Chinese herb zen compared to what these last few days have been like. I feel like I could claw someone’s eyes out. I had a meltdown because one of my bosses (in an email that I got at home, thank goodness) made a suggestion about how I could improve this staff networking event I am planning. Really? A tiny suggestion and it brought on a wave of distress and anguish about my horrific boss. Who, mind you, is not horrific. I haven’t been able to sleep, my heart is racing a little bit the smallest little thing creates a cry-lump in my throat or I get really hot and literally seethe. I do not like to be hot. It starts the stress sweats and then I have to go the dry cleaner more often and I smell like hot deodorant. Overall, I feel totally irrational!! What’s that about? Have I always been this irrational, rage-y person or am I the zen? I doubt I am totally zen but this quick temper thing, which I have always identified myself as having seems to have snuck back up on me. Amusingly, I found myself thinking the other day that I was totally knocking this therapy thing out of the park and that all of my neurosis would cured in no time! Wrong. I’m one crazy bitch! The real question is will the real Slim Shady please stand up??
Maybe I have always been impacted by my own personal birth control pill horror story and never noticed it! If I am ever off them and back to zen state will anyone even recognize me? I would love to be zen so I doubt it’s really in me 100%. I mean, seriously, can there be Zen Type A people or is that just an oxymoron? This is a new brand of birth control pill for me. Are there special pre-IVF birth control pills? Is that a thing that I didn’t know about?? Is that what the nurse meant by “continuous-active”? I assumed that meant, don’t take the placebo. Well whatever it is, this is just the beginning so hold on to your hats team, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.