February – where the white space starts

I like my therapist. She’s nice and I didn’t lie to her…yessss, selfie high five! She has some funny mannerisms that sometimes distract me from her words but that’s totally minor.  Anyway, she and I talked about planfulness (is that even a real word?  my lady used it but I’m still not sure) the other day.  In her attempt to fix me, which will not be an easy job unless she asks the exact right question, she was trying to figure out if I am actually planning or worrying.  The thing is, it’s a very fine line.  ultimately she determined that I am just really organized and on top of things.  I suspect that I masked the real reason I plan… control.  How clever am I?  I tricked the therapist!  In all actuality, she probably thought “oh crap we are running low on time to tackle this control obsessed person right now…”  I don’t actually think I tricked her… scratch that, I actually do.  Time will tell.  Back to the point, planning things out helps me feel in control of my surroundings.  It helps me meet the expectations of others and myself which is very important to me.  When I have a plan, I am all in and I don’t really like it to change.  If it does change, I am very quick to create a new plan and then be all in on that.  This happens on a very micro level like if we can’t go to the grocery store prior to picking up my parents for the airport, there’s still time to go after we pick them up if we take their car to them at the airport.  Get it?  Plan then plan changed. Voila!  Here’s the thing, I can’t do it on a macro level since my life plan got all effed up with this infertility bull sh*t.  I can’t plan what happens after the embryo transfer.  I have no plan for what’s next.  Jan-Apr are very busy months for me at work so I know that in February I will be working on this client and that client with this staff and that staff but in my mind it’s this big blank page.  Woa, I just got a little sick to my stomach typing that.  I truly have no plan because I don’t know what February holds.  There are several options which I started listing and deleted.  My brain short-circuits when I start to go down this road.  February and beyond is white space.  Open.  Available.  Empty.  I have the plan for December and January but then what?

The problem with having no plan for February besides the obvious (life must go on and all that jazz) is that I am not able to commit to concrete things that will happen in February.  I got an email today about coaching Special Olympics basketball.  This upcoming season, which runs from Jan-Mar, will be my 6th season and my 5th with the same team.  The roster literally has only changed by 1-2 players each year.  These guys (the team happens to all be men who range in age from 30-55) count on me to be their coach.  Someone once told me that my face changes and my voice changes when I talk about my basketball team.  It changes in a way that they can feel the passion and the love that I genuinely have for these people.  It breaks my heart to consider not coaching them again this year but I am really struggling to go all in on that plan because so many variables are unknown.  Will I feel up to it in Jan with the IVF cycle and my work schedule ramping up?  Will I feel up to in February and March?  I have no idea what the answer to these questions are.  I always have an idea.  The white space is very strange.

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One thought on “February – where the white space starts

  1. I am getting so jealous about this blogging thing. I think you are amazing. It seems so liberating and terrifying to put one’s REAL self out there. I want one really bad now. I love reading and being able to grasp even the smallest bit of what you are going through. White space is scary! Why does life have to be like the domino effect instead of stand alone challenges that can be faced, conquered and celebrated and then attention turned to the next thing? Had the hardest time figuring out what to call myself in the comment section. A veritable identity crisis.

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