I’m accountant. I do research, I want facts, I need to know…everything so when my husband and I started down this baby making road and started encountering road blocks, I started reading. I read books, I read blogs (lots of wonderful, well-written, informative, funny, sad blogs…mine can not compare!), I Googled and I talked to people in vague terms about what parts of their journey may or may not be similar to mine. I immersed myself in terms like follicle growth and gonadotropin and CD3, CD14, and Hcg release shot. I have never felt unprepared because of the vast amount of information out there for me to learn about and apply.
Fast forward to the present. My husband and I have been through several rounds of treatments, loss, breaks, etc. and we’ve decided to go forward with IVF. The cycle is scheduled for January because my clinic only does the procedures on odd months (bwahahaha…the irony) and we were too late for November (thank goodness!). We’ve known about IVF since we started treatment. Upon my initial “diagnosis” of premature ovarian failure which I don’t seem to have, we thought IVF would be our only option so clearly I did some reading. Apparently, I didn’t do enough reading. Regardless, the time is now to start getting things in place for that January cycle and boy do I feel so unprepared for this! When I called the nurse to let her know that we wanted to proceed (blindly, it feels) she said she would start working on my calendar and would call me. I thought nothing of it. How complicated could this be? I’m a pro at the whole shot thing so no bigs there and then they take out the eggs, and put them back and voila! I’m not really the overly optimistic type but that’s how simple I was making this out to be. I’m a smart girl but I never gave this process the respect it deserves. I knew it was a big deal but I didn’t realize that it was such a step up from shots and IUI or any of the other treatments we’d done. WRONG.
The nurse called and went over our calendar. Ay yi yi! The process is intense. Fertility treatments are intense no matter what stage you are at and they feel overwhelming and complicated which they are. It’s sort of like you get used to a level of intensity and start to figure out a way to compartmentalize it and fit it into your life and it starts to feel somewhat manageable and then that treatment plan fails and then you move onto the next thing and the intensity department ups its game. What a bunch of assholes. I digress… the calendar blew me away. From hysteroscopy and trial transfer to the number of supplements to take prior to start of the cycle to the onslaught of shots to the ultra sounds and blood work to the retrieval and transfer. I feel the anxiety of it all welling up in my chest as I type. Then I got the call from the pharmacy with the knock off drugs in the UK and they went through the order (my nurse was going to be out for a few weeks so she wanted to get everything in place) and again I sat in stunned silence until the lady said “so shall we place the order?” then I had to respond because it would have been awkward if I didn’t. She can’t see me afterall. I said “yes” and then she told me the price tag. My insurance covers nothing. Well, that’s not true exactly. It covers a diagnostic ultrasound so my Doc codes about 1 u/s a cycle to that which is nice. Anyway, my insurance certainly doesn’t cover the drugs. $2800 and that’s not all of the meds. More chest tightening. There’s an emotional, physical and financial impact to all of this. I guess I am glad I have time to process and plan. That will be good.
Are we ready? Am I ready? It’s a lot and it might fail. It might fail. Whoa.